And in my case :
- Being awake
- Any activities
- Cleaning (when my mind is messy so is my house) etc.
Just to name a few of my interests that I tend to lose at times when this emotion takes over me. Even though I’m aware of these things, as bad as I want to rid those feelings, my mind seem to block a way to withdrawal the urge to feel what I’m feeling. I also tend to have a severe weight of regret on my shoulders, sometimes for no reason at all. It’s very nerve wrecking to have to deal with that every other moment, day, week etc. It’s hard. My strength consumes me in the best way though – I can literally suppress any ill feelings (even when I am feeling it) while I’m at work. I’m amazed at this everyday even at this moment, saying as though I’m working right now. Today, and any other day in the past is really teaching me the hardest lessons right now, I want nothing more for this to be over and pass me at this point – patience is desperately needed in my spirit more than ever; this long haul will be the great journey of my victory. Because Jesus said so too! Being faithful through all three feelings I go through with the depression that is on me, helps the position I am in. Most of the time the position I seem to always find myself wanting to walk away from is uselessness, embarrassment, judgement, self-criticism. I just want to grow and evolve into a pleasant and kind, god-fearing, Shunamite of a woman who can stand on her on two feet with the Holy Spirit walking with me. I know the Lord walks with me, faithfully. I feel his presence especially when I’m really happy and really sad, and of course everything in between, but the milestone moments even when I think it’s my mind playing carnal games, I really know my Savior is with me!
Things that has encouraged me is shown as the following :
- My Lord Savior
- My Son
- My Grandparents
- My Sisters (the ones in Jesus’ name as well)
- My Patients, sometimes the Employees too
- Accomplishing goals
- Having money in my pocket (for the survival at this point) no other way to look at currency
- Music I relate to
- Writing, Writing, Writing
- Gathering my thoughts, as soon as possible
- Listening to positive feedback on the things I have done right.
- Co-parenting without the dramatics, I just wanted my son to have a great relationship
- Keeping up with my appt
- Keep up with I have going on with my finances (that keeps me in a great space)
Things I’m devoted to shown as the following :
- Being faithful in the Lord, looking to him whether it’s good or bad.
- Life itself; living is the hardest thing to do and I pick myself up and thank God I have breathe in my body to continue my journey to my purpose.
- Taking care of my mental health with help from healthcare and transparently study the word.
- Take care of my son, he deserves the care, and love a mother can offer and I’m proud of him. That’s why I don’t know where the beef is coming from.
- I also allotted my time to exploring gifts I haven’t taken advantage of; learning from everything literally.
- Writing my songs, poems, and short stories has opened the door for an outlet/breakthrough.
- Smart workings, with hardworking results ha-ha.
The things I surrender myself to will not be this world no longer, literally had to have everything stripped away from me – Now look at me. Everything was taken away rigorously, the anguish of it all felt back to back; with no one to turn to, talk to, or run to but with the exception of the Lord! He’s who I’ve always needed, and I forgot that apparently. I start looking toward man to be the savior of my inequities, when I should’ve humbled myself and bowed down to the father.
Moving forward I am in that place now, just another lesson that needed to be learned for me to understand nothing can be done without him. That wisdom, or intuition you feel within your spirit isn’t just any voice, take the time to meditate to listen so you can hear the warning too and not just with your ears. Your consciousness and intuition and the [precious] gift of common sense, was given to us by the Lord to utilize for the best of ability to live life abundantly. These gifts are only useful or powerful when you allow him to order your steps in the decisions needed for yourself.
It always seem like crazy talk until you have nothing left, it really feels crazy when you have nothing to give as well. A crimpling feeling I wish on no one honestly. I don’t care anymore about the things said about me, those words spoken about me in my face or behind my back will always come back on you tenfold! I’m covered by the blood, and that’s real.
Precisely quoted by my one of my favorite singers, “God knows it, Your mind impure, soul I possess, he knows it, Anointed and protected, I was chosen…” An example of taking what I need and leaving what I don’t, everything was meant to be treated like such saying as though life should be treated like that with worldly things anyhow. Everything below heaven isn’t always right so why would I listen to every single thing said to me. As I go on about it as a matter of fact, it seem like I need to just make better choices on what I take and what I leave; the way I’m choosing could possibly be ass backwards ha-ha ah man! Now that’s a brain teaser!
Moving on to the emotions that comes with depression is very interesting, this can go on for hours you know. I’m not sure where any of this is taking me but I have no doubt in my heart that where I am going with this, seem like the right road to be walking down. I have noticed so many blessings around me that has also been showered on me as well.
As shown some of the blessing I noticed were :
- An angel came by my job to tell me that I should never stop smiling no matter what I am going through, and to keep going!
- Another heard my honesty in my spirit when I shared a common feeling of hunger (closed mouths don’t get fed she said to me) and yes, she bought me something to eat!
- One more for the third charmer, my back was turned and as I was telling my co-worker I was thirsty, a man (unknown) approached us and asked what did we want, you know closed mouths don’t get fed so I spoke up!
These were what seemed to be small moments, but it created such a big impact on the way I felt as a person, God using vessels all around me just to keep me encouraged. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to recognize God’s work. I am his servant and I want to continue to do all the good that I possibly can so that spiritually I will have a peace that not even my mind and heart can take away. And that’s the real battle!
Tired of going back and forth with my mind and my heart there’s a thin line there when you’re dealing with depression like damn. It can be very overwhelming – this is the test of strength though, lean on Him, he’s not going to let me fall and I clearly see that now! Even when my worrying becomes excessive, I pray about it the best way I can and mentally close my eyes of my spirit and have strong faith even when I feel like it isnt enough the gift is knowing that God knows my heart regardless and my story was written regardless. In the end, what I feel about myself matters but the truth in my victory was already written for me; looking past the carnal sight can be challenging, and that’s my thing!